This coming October Ryan and I will have been married for seven years. Compared to many other people that is quite a short time, but whether long or short each marriage has the capacity to be unhappy, happy, or exceptionally happy. I’ve heard about people on all ends of the spectrum. Those who married quickly but who 30 years later are still married happily. Also those who didn’t make it out of the honeymoon week before they began thinking they had made a mistake. Regardless of the state of a marriage, God can work in that couple’s life to make an unhappy marriage better and a happy marriage even better. It seems to me that most people do not seek out information about marriage unless something is going badly in their relationship. It is my firm belief and personal experience that even when you have a happy marriage taking some time to focus extra on it or learn something about your spouse is like icing on the cake. No matter how good your marriage is there is still room for improvement. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).
A few weeks ago Ryan and I watched a sermon by Pastor David Asscherick called How to Have a Happy Marriage. I realize that different pastors appeal to different people. Whether you are a fan of Pastor Asscherick or not, I will say this is one of the best sermons on marriage I have ever heard. In this sermon, he mentioned a book titled Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Dr. Eggerichs is not an Adventist but he is a Christian and his reflections on marriage are Biblically based (although his view of going to heaven when we die is not). Some of his relationship information is hard to swallow mostly because I think it is true! Without reservation I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to continue to grow in their marriage. You may not agree with everything Dr. Eggerichs says but I guarantee you will learn something. I personally had several “ah ha!” moments.
Our home came with a front and back yard. Ryan is in charge of any outdoor needs. He schedules someone to mow the grass (he doesn’t have time and let’s be honest… I’m not going to do that), he trims bushes, he decides when we need to mulch, he sprays the weeds. Whatever good thing happens to our yard it is because of him. One of the hardest things for me in joining the SDA Church was actually the emphasis on being “outdoorsy.” That is not my thing… the bugs like me a little too much, the sun is my enemy, and I detest sweating! So when it is time to do yardwork, I dutifully (although with a mildly whiney attitude) trudge out with Ryan to help. One year when we got a load of mulch, I helped for a good solid hour… maybe a pinch more. And then I was pooped. Ryan will tell you my face usually is the color of a very ripe tomato by that point. Sometimes to take a break I’ll go inside and make Ryan some fresh lemonade. Then I’ll try to start up again but that only lasts about 10 or 15 minutes. I’m such a wimp! So he said to me, “Just sit under that tree and keep me company. I like you here with me.” In my mind, I thought this was the worst thing. How useless am I that I get to sit under the tree and watch him work hard? I feel like a failure. Like I’m a road construction worker just watching one guy do all the work. These feelings I totally brought on myself and Ryan reassured me that he did not feel that way in the slightest. He really and truly just wanted me to be there with him and this kind of thing has happened more than once varying from the yard, to the office, to the garage, etc.
One of the sections in this book focuses on sharing with wives things that are important to their husbands that may not necessarily be important to themselves including a chapter titled “Relationship – Appreciate his desire for shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.” The essence of this chapter is that many men want to share time or an experience with their wives without the need for a lot of talking, just quietly bonding. When I began reading this chapter I actually said out loud “Really!? This is a real thing that more men than just Ryan want to do?” This is a need he has that I don’t have. However, as his wife and as a partner in this marriage, I want to fulfill his needs even if they aren’t the same as mine and even if they seem a bit strange. All this will take is a little of my time, so why not! So while I might not always have an hour to spend just sitting around watching Ryan work, I plan to make more of a consecrated effort to be mindful of his need and share my time with him when I can.
Love and Respect centers on Ephesians 5:33: “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” There is a reason that Paul told husbands to love and he told wives to respect. Each sex has a different need and a different language as evidence by the above story! If you would like to read Love and Respect, I would be happy to lend you my copy or you can find it in probably any bookstore or library and certainly off of Amazon.com which is where I bought mine. I wish I had read this book earlier but it is never too late to continue learning about your spouse. Keep the fire going, God will lead the way!